I can’t say I’ve ever fisked a store clerk before, but then again, there is a first time for everything. After reading this story, I can’t think of much else to do. I guess I’ve always known, at an intellectual level, that half the world’s population was stupider than average; it’s just that I never expected to see any one person (let’s call her “Ms. Einstein”) illustrate that principle so well.
According Fox News, a store clerk in Longview, Washington, who thus far has managed to remain every bit as anonymous as this moron in Tennessee has just gotten around to telling the police that she saw a pregnant woman last who claimed to have been kidnapped and may well be Laci Peterson. Oh, joy. At this point, I have no idea whether or not the woman she really saw was really Laci Peterson, but so what if she wasn’t? Laci may be the best known kidnapping victim (by now, Elizabeth Smart and countless others you’ve never heard of are chopped liver) but she’s not the only one. Whoever this woman is/was, she obviously (1) was in trouble then and (2) is now either nowhere near Longview, WA, dead, or both. Here are the lowlights of the story:
According to a report in The Daily News of Longview on Thursday, the clerk told police that a pregnant woman came into the Market Place and said: “This is serious. I was kidnapped. Call the authorities when I leave.”
Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say. Not a red flag at all, Ms. Einstein. At most, it might have been your cue to go public a month or two later.
The 45-year-old clerk said she intended to call police but became distracted and forgot, according to a police report.
But of course! She probably needed to, like, get her nails done, or what-ever. I mean, like, no one can remember everything, y’know.
Late last week, the clerk was watching TV and saw a story about Laci Peterson, 27, who vanished from Modesto, Calif., on Christmas Eve.
Totally understandable. Until around this time last week, I had never even heard of Laci Peterson, either. Had you?
After the man stepped out of line to get something he forgot, the clerk remarked to the woman that she should be wearing a coat on such a chilly day. The woman told the clerk she didn’t have time to take a coat because she was kidnapped. She also told the clerk that the man had a weapon.
Again, I find it totally understandable that the clerk did not think anything was awry. After all, this is Washington state, where almost anyone without a criminal record can get a permit to carry a weapon. So of course a comment like “Oh my God, he has a gun!” seemed no more remarkable to Ms. Einstein than, say, “Oh my God, he has a Lamborghini!” Less so, if anything, as Lamborghinis are much more expensive.
The clerk told police she wasn’t sure whether to take the woman seriously.
Of course not. Last time I heard the line “This is serious. I was kidnapped,” I knew immediately that it was a belated Halloween prank. Why should Ms. Einstein have thought anything different?
When the man returned, he asked what the two talked about while he was gone, the police report says. “She said you kidnapped her,” the clerk said.
Now there’s a heck of a way to get an innocent person killed: alert her captor to the fact that his cover has almost been blown. Are you listening, U.N.? Hurry up and hire this woman before someone else does! She’ll fit right in.
The clerk said the statement seemed to make the man angry…
Gee, I wonder why. If Mrs. Xrlq and I were on a trip somewhere, and I learned that she had just told some random store clerk that I had kidnapped her, I’d be worried about her sanity. I don’t think I would be angry, but then again, I can’t be 100% sure since for some strange reason, this has never happened to me!
… and she teasingly added that her husband always kidnapped her to take her to dinner.
Sarcasm aside, this is probably the only thing Ms. Einstein did right.
The man relaxed and laughed. “Yeah, I guess I kidnapped her,” she recalled him saying.
Nice save, Ms. Einstein. It looks like you just managed to un-pull that last boner and extend Laci’s life for at least an hour or so. Now, play it cool, wait until he leaves, and call the cops immediately afterward, K?
After they left, the clerk unsuccessfully tried to find a phone book to call police…
I haven’t been to that state in almost 20 years, but I have this strange inkling that I just might know the police department’s number by heart. Could it be … oh, I don’t know … 911?
…then became distracted and forgot about the incident.
Crap! That reminds me that I just forgot about that guy I saw mowinng down 35 people at the local mall a couple of years ago. Damn! I really meant to call the cops about it, but gee, I didn’t have a phone book handy, and a few minutes later, I had just, like, forgotten about it! I’ll be sure to call them now, though, I promise.
She told police she feels terrible about it now.
Well, that’s comforting. Here’s a message to Laci, or whoever else that kidnapping victim in Longview, WA may have been: I know you’re still in captivity, or worse, and I know Ms. Einstein might well have been able to prevent that, but at least you can sleep soundly by knowing she feels bad about it. That has to count for something, right?
UPDATE: To top it all off, CNN now reports that the whole story was a fake.