Below is the questionnaire the ACLU sent me. Each loaded question has three possible answers: Yes, No, and Not Sure. Notice that “no, I don’t completely agree but…” is not among them, just “not sure.”

1. I believe freedom to follow one’s own religious belief is fundamental and that the government should stay out of religion and leave us all free to practice any religion in our own way.

Translation: I believe the same thing about freedom of religion that every other American believes, and I just got suckered into giving the ACLU an excuse to claim that I agree with them on religion generally (e.g., on their radically anti-religion interpretation of the Establishment Clause).

2. I believe government should not be allowed to invade anyone’s privacy by wiretapping, Internet monitoring or other means without first demonstrating to a court that there is “probable cause” to believe the individual being targeted has committed a crime.

Translation: I believe government should ignore everything that is in plain view. If I admit to illegal activity on this blog, they shouldn’t pay any mind to that, since they didn’t have probable cause before they saw this page.

3. I believe that even in times of national crisis, the government should not be allowed to violate the Fourth Amendment protection against unwarranted searches and seizures, and that any seach made of private property should only be permitted with a court-issued warrant and after giving prior notice.

Translation: I’ve never read the Fourth Amendment, so I just swallowed the ACLU’s mistatement of the Fourth Amendment hook, line and sinker. I also think that terrorists and drug dealers should always have at least 72 hours to rid their safe houses of all evidence of their criminal activity before police are allowed to enter. Allowing the cops to show up unannounced isn’t playing fair.

4. I believe a strong, independent judiciary is not only vital to the system of checks and balances that restrains the actions of all three branches of our government, but it is also our primary guardian of individual rights and liberties guaranteed by the Constituiton and the Bill of Rights.

Translation: I’ve never heard of Dred Scott v. Sandford, 60 U.S. 393 (1856), In re Slaughter-House Cases, 83 U.S. 36 (1872), Plessy v. Ferguson, 163 U.S. 537 (1896), Korematsu v. U.S., 323 U.S. 214 (1944) U.S. v. Miller, 307 U.S. 174 (1939), or any of the other cases in which a rogue judiciary has nullified any other individual rights the Constitution was supposed to protect. Or maybe I have heard of Miller and the even more extreme cases lower courts have subsequently based on it, but like the ACLU, I’m OK with that. And I see nothing fishy about relying on the judicial branch to be the sole check and balance on itself.

5. I believe that women must have equal rights, both in and out of the workplace, and that a woman has a right to choose when - or whether - to terminate an unintended or medically-dangerous pregnancy.

Translation: I think pregnant men have a right to abort their fetuses any time they want, for any reason, so it stands to reason that women should have that right, too.

6. I believe political dissent is an essential component of a healthy, viable democracy, and that it should not be discouraged or treated as suspect by governmetn as a whole or by any individual respresenting government.

Translation: I think people who agree with the government, especially a right-wing one, have less of a right to express themselves than do the dissenters.

7. I believe the constituional principle of “due process of law” must apply to everyone residing in our country, citizen and non-citizen alike, and must be adhered to in any official proceeding, whether it occurs in a civilian court or military tribunal.

Translation: equal rights for terrorists and illegal aliens.

8. I believe it is dangerous to give federal and local law enforcement broad authroity to search or homes, learn what we read and obtain our private financial and medical records.

Translation: I care more about a mythical, and largely nonexistent right to “privacy” than I do about stopping the next 9-11 before it happens.

9. I believe all men and women in this country should be treated fairly before the law and that no one should be singled out for investigation, interrogation or detention solely on his or her race, religion, ethnicity or national origin.

Translation: I like the federal policy of mandating intrusive checks for old ladies while fining airlines for checking more than three Arabs on any one flight.

10. I believe it is wrong to write discrimination into the Constitution through an amendment that would deny same sex couples the right to marry or enjoy a range of government benefits and protection available to everyone else.

Translation: I’m ignorant enough about the Constitution to think discrimination has never been written into it before, and I’m also ignorant enough to think that gay couples have ever had a marriage “right” for the government to “deny.” That, and I’m also ignorant enough to think everyone else - singles, swingers, everyone - enjoys these rights already.