damnum absque injuria

August 11, 2006

My Own Goofy Conspiracy Theory about the Connecticut Primary and the 8-10 Non-Attacks

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 7:00 pm

This luminary thinks the real reason for our code red alert is RNC Chairman Ken Mehlman’s campaign against Democrats like that Nedwit Lamont who are soft on terror. Me I don’t know, but like Patterico, I have this sneaking suspicion it just might have a leetle bit more to do with the fact that the Brits just nabbed 21 suspected terrorists in a plot which, had it gone forward as planned, would have resulted in carnage rivaling 9/11’s. However, that doesn’t mean I’m unwilling to entertain silly, baseless conspiracy theories of my own. How about this one:

The British “government,” a wholly owned subsidiary of Karl Rove, Inc. (a Bermuda corporation of which “the” Karl Rove is widely believed but not proven to be the sole shareholder) has known about this terror ring for several months, and could have apprehended all 26 suspects anytime they wanted from June 10 on. However, when they asked their double-secret Grand Master Pooh-Bah Rove for permission to make these arrests, the request was denied. The bobbies wanted to make their catch early rather than take any chances, but Rove knew his party’s interests would be better served by having the enemy party nominate a mentally retarded political neophyte rather than nominating a popular, sane incumbent. He also knew the ‘Tard couldn’t possibly win a serious election unless at least 52% of Connecticut Democrats had forgotten that there was any such thing as international terrorism. No one would have made that mistake on 9/12/01, of course, but without putting too fine a point on things, let’s just say one of our nation’s major political parties is associated with an animal known for its long memories, and the other party predominates in Connecticut.

Given Connecticutters’ obvious handicap, Rove knew that if he could keep international terrorism off the radar screen until after the Connecticut primary, the chances that Connecticut Democrats would nominate an idiotarian boob were excellent. For this reason, he knowingly and willfully endangered the lives of every Brit or American who took a journey across the pond, just to make sure the retarded neophyte beat out the sane incumbent in the primary leading up to an election no Republican could win anyway. Fearful of the risk that the suspects may attack in the interim, Rove’s British subordinates begged and pleaded for a compromise, asking if they maybe arrest these guys on Election Day or at least on the very next day. Evil Karl replied:

Hell, no! Didn’t you know Great Britain is 5 hours ahead of Connecticut? If anything happened on Election Day, some news would almost certainly reach the Nut-Meg State, probably before our polls even opened, let alone closed. That’s all the Joe-mentum Candidate Sane would need to erase his Joe-bituary and waltz right back into the Senate with his Democrat bona fides intact. And no, I’m not going to let you all nab these guys on the following day, either. We need that day in case the race is close and there’s a court challenge or something. Don’t laugh; he’s tried that before. The only risk I’m willing to take is that if he challenges the result, he’ll almost certainly file his complaint on the day after the election. Once once all courthouses are closed in Connecticut on August 9, 2006, if there are no other surprises, I’ll give you the all-clear and you can proceed then, which should be roughly 1700 hours local time. No, you don’t get to roll out at 1700 “Greenwich” Mean Time. Just because the ‘Tard hails from Greenwich, that doesn’t mean his courts will close according to “Greenwich” mean time. Nice try, though.

All went according to plan, and Rove gave the go-ahead on August 9, 2006, at 5:01 p.m. EDT, which is 10:01 summer time in Great Britain. By then, the last the last trans-Atlantic flight had left for the day, and all the suspects had retired for the night. You know the rest.

 

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