You may have heard those ads for “commercial free” satellite radio. Don’t believe it. Their all-music stations are commercial free, but the talk radio, the news stations, etc. are not. Many of them can’t be, of course, given that they are simulcast on satellite or cable TV, which you also have to pay for, but which never claimed to be commercial free. However, the quality of the commercials is quite a bit lower than the usual fare on other media. If you get XM and take a long road trip listening to FoxNews, CNN, AmericaRight or AirAmerica, here are four commercials you can expect to hear at least once on Every. God. Damned. Commercial. Break.

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[Man screaming over rave music.] WHAT’S THE FASTEST SELLING DRUG AT EVERY RAVE IN TOWN? CRYSTAL METH! CRYSTAL METH, THINK OF IT AS A DIET PILL, WITH A KICK! NO WONDER EVERYONE LOVES CRYSTAL METH! CRYSTAL METH! CRYSTAL METH! CRYSTAL METH! YEAH!

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I was lucky enough to find out about Flora Fangemire. Since then, I own 16 investment properties, none of which have actually made me any money, but the losses would make a nifty tax deduction if I only had any friggin’ income to deduct them against. FLora’s had me form a C corp, an S corp, 6 LLCs, 42 limited partnerships, and three unlimited ones between me, myself and I. Now I just need to figure out WTF I’m supposed to do with all these paper entities, and then I’ll really be in business! People are really looking for something like this, and Flora has the solution!

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Husband: The back deck on our house used to get real hot. It really sucked. We had no idea what was causing it, until after about six years we realized this heat had a pattern: it got hotter in the summer months, when the sun was shining directly on it! Who’da thunk it?

Wife: Tell them about the discount, Larry.

Husband: Then, after scratching our heads for six more years, we finally got an idea; what if we blocked out the sun?

Wife: Tell them about the discount, Larry.

Husband: I almost bought an awning-thingy, but then I thought “hey, what about those days when it’s not so hot, and we actually like the sun shining on us?

Wife: Tell them about the discount, Larry!

Husband: Then I picked up a thesauraus and found the word “retractable.” I said “Hey, what a concept. Wouldn’t it be cool (get it, “cool”) if someone were to invent a retractable awning-thingy, so we could have shade on hot days and not have it on cold ones?

Wife: God damn it Larry! Tell them about the fucking discount already.

Husband: Then I found out about the Sun-B-Gone Retractable Awning-Thingy, which you can have for only $600!

Wife: OK, maybe I didn’t make myself clear, Larry. Either you tell them about the discount right now, I’ll chop your weiner off faster than you can say Lorena Bobbitt. Tell them now, or else!

Husband: All right! That $600 price I quoted was bullshit. The real price was $400. But now, the good people at Sun-B-Gone have jacked up the price by $200, so they can offer you a $200 rebate that they will probably “lose,” mishandle or frivolously deny unless you pester them for months on end - and that’s assuming you remember to ask for it at all! So knock yourself out! Buy it now, get the “discount,” and save my penis.

Wife: Good, Larry. Was that so fucking hard? And speaking of hard, is that a Sun-B-Gone Retractable Awning-Thingy in your pocket, or are you just really, really happy to see me?
Voice Over: Order a Sun-B-Gone Retractable Awning-Thingy now, and you can pretend to save $200.00. Guaranteed to prevent your wife from cutting your penis off.

[Fast Disclaimer Voice: Sun-B-Gone makes no warranty that your wife will not cut off your penis for reasons unrelated to heat, or related to any heat not prevented by Sun-B-Gone Retractable Awning-Thingy. Fake discount void where prohibited by law.

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The accident took away my ability to work, earn money, speak in anything but a monotone, or see past my own nose. I got a structured settlement that allowed me to spend a little money every month, but I wanted to blow it all now. Then I called Money Came and Went-Worth and they said “no problem, we’ll just advance you the money at an insanely high interest rate, and you’ll never see a good chunk of the money you were going to get under the settlement, but you will get some of your money now! If you’ve been in an accident and would rather get some of your money now rather than all of it in due course, call for our free booklet. The booklet is free. The rest of this deal will cost you an arm and a leg, but the booklet is free, so order it now. Did we mention that the free booklet was free?