damnum absque injuria

November 29, 2007

Ad-Free Ads

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 10:02 pm

Last year I bitched about the quality of ads you hear on XM Radio, which you probably bought with the expectation you wouldn’t hear commercials there at all. I’m happy to say that the quality of these ads has improved drastically … not. Here are a few samples:

  • Have you recently checked out that annoying station you’re not listening to right now for a reason? “OMG, it so, like, sucks to have your pantyhose run. I’m, like, totally convinced, and stuff, that if anyone invents panties that don’t run, that will totally rule.”
  • “CrapRiver, apply directly to your tired metaphors. CrapRiver, apply directly to your tired metaphors. CrapRiver, apply directly to your tired metaphors. How was that?” “The most retarded ad I’ve heard to date. The only question now is whether we can keep up this level of badness for 20 more seconds. You up to it?” “Hell, yeah, just give me an aspirin ya whiny nerd. CrapRiver. Retarded ads, who the hell knows what the product is?”
  • “Hey Mike, you’re a guy like me, and everyone knows just love to tell each other and millions of their closest friends about their masculine shortcomings. What was the number for your favorite boner pill company once again? Oh yeah, 1-800-HARD-OFF, of course. How could I possibly have forgotten that? Thanks, Mike.”
  • “Gentlemen! You’ve got meds for when your head hurts. You’ve got meds for when all those unmentionables hurt. You’ve got meds to take to stop you from puking. Any way you can get sick, you’ve got meds for it. But what would you do if the meds themselves got sick? Didn’t think about that one, did you? That’s why you need Meta-Meds, the drugs that keep your drugs healthy so they can do the same for you. Psych! We don’t really sell Meta-meds, that’s just an inane trademark. All we really sell is boner pills. Had you going there, didn’t we?”

November 28, 2007

The Truth About Truth

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 8:16 pm

Have you ever noticed that almost everything prefaced with “The Truth About …” turns out to be a … um … lie?

UPDATE (2012): Four years later, in the midst of an ugly primary season, the truth about “truth” does not disappoint.

November 14, 2007

Waterboarding Redux

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 11:46 pm

Two questions for those who argue that waterboarding isn’t torture:

  1. Would you support waterboarding as a punishment for any crimes?
  2. If not, why not?

Losing My Virginianity

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 11:36 pm

Today I traded in my Virginia driver license for a North Carolina one. The upside is that I now have documentation to prove I am either a bona fide resident of the Tar Heel State or an illegal alien. The downside is that my only remaining connection to the Old Dominion – and thus, the only continuing justification for my membership in ODBA – is that I still own a house there, at least for now. That, plus the fact that I no longer have the rare privilege of living in a commonwealth rather than a state, for whatever good that does.

The trips to the DMV was interesting. Note I said trips, not trip. My first trip was yesterday, when I found out the hard way that you can’t get a driver’s license in NC without having auto insurance. Of course I had insurance, but with Mercury, which is not admitted in NC so it didn’t count. I came back today, with a new policy in hand, wondering how on earth anyone who doesn’t own a car can get licensed. I waited in line, got a number entitling me to wait in another line, took the world’s weirdest eye exam followed by two computerized tests, and paid my $46. That sounds like a lot until you consider that they charge by the year, and the license doesn’t expire until 2015. Then they asked me to pick my favorite design for the license, which was kinda weird, before having my picture taken. The weirdest part, from an ex-Californian’s perspective (though apparently normal to just about anyone else) was actually getting the friggin’ license, and not some cheesy temporary substitute, 5 minutes after they took the photo. Actually, I wasn’t too weirded out by that, having gotten the same in Virginia last year and in Illinois in the early 1990s. Is Kalifornia the only state whose DMV is too incompetent to issue real licenses on the spot?

November 13, 2007

Here We Go Again

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 11:24 pm

Much as I despised Cali, their general statewide ban on breed bans was a blessing, which I also enjoyed in Virginia. Here in NC, no such blessing, and my presumptive1 new home county, Forsyth, is reportedly “studying” the issue. Lovely.

1It’s my presumptive home because I haven’t bought a new place yet, but did recently accepted a full-time position in Winston-Salem, the only city cool enough to have three four cigarette brands2 named after it.

2Bonus points for the first reader who can name all three.

UPDATE: The intended third brand for the cool city was Kool. A better one, which McGehee and CTG proposed in comments, is Camel.

“The Ends Justify the Means”

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 10:22 pm

Of course they do, or can anyway. To argue otherwise is to argue, in effect, that if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then dammit, we should all go to hell.


November 7, 2007

Question for Casino Apologists

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 9:24 pm

This question is for Steverino and any other casino apologists who side with the Sandia Resort and Casino over their refusal to honor a jackpot that apparently resulted from a malfunction, and which in any event registered winnings in a much higher amount than the machine was supposed to have been capable of. Suppose I walk into the same casino, wearing a pin on my shirt reading “Maximum loss $500. If I screw up, it doesn’t count.” Assume that pin was in plain view of all dealers, printed in exactly the same font and size as the slot machine warnings no one ever reads. I sit down at a card table, giving the dealer every opportunity to tell me to take a flying leap, but he ignores the pin and deals me a hand instead. I place $10,000 on the table, am a royal flush, get the stupids, and discard a few cards. As a result of my own stupidity, I end up losing a hand I should have easily won. How much should the casino collect from me?

  1. $10,000. That’s how much I placed on the table. Duh!
  2. $500. I told the guy that was all I could lose, so how does he get off expecting to collect more? Duh!
  3. $0. Malfunctions void all pays and plays, right? I malfunctioned. Duh!
  4. Other (specify). Duh!

Waterboarded Logic

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 9:06 pm

One side argues that waterboarding is torture, therefore, we must ban it. The other side argues that waterboarding is definitely not torture, because we need it.

To both sides of the debate: would it kill you to consider the possibility that waterboarding is torture, but we need it anyway? We shouldn’t be debating whether Khalid Sheik Mohammed was or wasn’t tortured. Instead, let’s debate whether it was better that (1) Khalid Sheik Mohammed be tortured or (2) Library Tower go the way of the World Trade Center. Those are the choices.

Black Dog?

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 8:09 am

If this is to be believed, it seems Duane “Dog” Chapman used the N-word because he thought he was black himself. Either that, or he heard so many black rappers and fellow inmates say the N-word that he thought they must be cool with it. Oops.

Best Phone Ringer Ever

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 12:26 am

Any questions?


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