First Petty Tom scores irony points for getting Dubya to back down from playing “I Won’t Back Down.” Then some washed up has-been from the 1970s connipted over Mike Huckabee and a former bandmate performing one of his songs. Now, two more washed up has-beens from the 1970s are equally pissy about the fact that after all these years, some members of the wrong political party still like their songs and want to play them every now and then. That leaves only two of my possible Sarah Palin tunes in the running:

• (#7) Not “Barracuda,” but only because the Wilson sisters taketook a cue from Boston and Petty Tom and get pissy.
• (#9) “Barracuda,’ and if the Wilson bitches don’t like it, they can sue my near-perfect ass.”

Much as I like Option 9, it ain’t gonna happen. However, there is a third option worth considering. Parodies are the one area of copyright law where the RIAA Gestapo has yet to take over, and the Wilson sisters’ screechy vocals are more suited to a Hillary Clinton rally, anyway, so why not have a better vocalist (read: half of the female population) sing new lyrics while an accomplished guitarist who doesn’t hate Republicans (say, Ted Nugent or Sammy Hagar, or maybe even Eddie Van Palin Halen if he was sufficiently flattered by Trig’s name) play a better version of the famous riff than any of Heart’s assorted guitarists ever could? Lyrics could go something like this:

So this is the end -
Your lawyers weighed in today
Told us to turn ol’ Heart away.
Whined like The One -
Straight on, for real
Strange babies never fail.

Alone, lying low, for decades now
Nothing at all sold in decades.
Who will you run to, to turn back the page?
Now that would be, Sarahcuda.

Back in the day we all played
Unchained melodies
It’s time to even it up
No right no wrong, selling a song
But not to Republicans.

And since the real thing won’t do the trick
We went and made up something quick
We woulda paid you big, if you weren’t such a … jerk
Tooooooooooo Sarahcuda.

Never sell me, the has-been said
Little queens, save your pretty heads
You…you’re going crazy on you, too.

All that night and all the next
Played without saying “please?”
If looks could kill you’d just – make us ill.

And if a lawsuit don’t do the trick
Your Magic Man better find something quick
Or he’s gonna burn burn, burn these dreams to the wick
Ooooooohhhh, Sarah Barracuda.

Hoooooooooooooope.

UPDATE: I almost forgot Jackass Browne, who’s running so empty he apparently can’t tell a trademark from a copyright. Thanks to commenters TGirsch and Anwyn for the reminder and the link, respectively.