North Carolina General Statute 14-197 makes it a Class 3 misdemeanor to yell cuss words on public streets if two or more people can hear you, unless you happen to be in Pitt or Swain County, where you may cuss to your heart’s content. As with NCGS § 14-177 (crime against nature, a.k.a. sodomy), my first inclination is to say repeal this idiotic law, but in deference to those who have been here much longer than I (this statute dates back to 1913), I’m inclined to offer a helpful amendment, instead:

If any person shall, on any public road or highway and in the hearing of two or more persons, in a loud and boisterous manner, use indecent or profane language, he shall be guilty of a Class 3 misdemeanor, unless at least one of those persons had done something to legitimately piss him off. The following counties shall be exempt from the provisions of this section: Davidson, Davie, Durham, Forsyth, Guilford, Pitt, Randolph, and Swain.

That should pretty well cover all the counties I’ll be in on a regular basis. I don’t plan to go to Durham anytime soon, but if I do, I reserve the right to cuss out anyone and everyone I see, along a public road or otherwise. Not sure what to do about NCGS § 14-196, which makes it illegal to cuss at somebody over the phone. Do I violate that statute every time I cuss on this blog using a DSL connection?

North Carolina (NCGS 14-177) is one of only seven [see update] states that still have a “crime against nature” law on the books. Of course it’s unenforceable in light of Lawrence v. Texas, but inconvenient court decisions never kept idiots like Mecklenburg County Supervisor Bill “Icky” James from arguing otherwise.

I don’t agree with Lawrence as a matter of constitutional law. My views on sodomy laws are best summed up by Justice Thomas’s dissent, which described the Texas statute in question as “uncommonly silly” and noted that “punishing someone for expressing his sexual preference through noncommercial consensual conduct with another adult does not appear to be a worthy way to expend valuable law enforcement resources.” Since then, the laws have become even more uncommon, with 7 of the 14 states (including that bastion of liberalism that is South Carolina) in question having subsequently repealed them [see update], and even more silly, given that everyone whose name isn’t Bill Icky James knows they aren’t enforceable, anyway. Retaining a law that is both unconstitutional (as decided by the courts) and idiotic (as decided by everyone with half a brain) is technically harmless, but it’s a bad idea nonetheless. Still, as a relative newcomer to the state, I am aware that saying “this law is stupid, get rid of it!” may not go over so well, so instead of insulting the good folk who have been here much longer than I, I propose the following revisions of the law to make its effect clearer:

(a) If any person shall commit the crime against nature, with mankind or beast, he shall be punished as a Class I felon by being publicly derided as “icky.”.

I’m too lazy to check whether we have another statute on the books to deal with bestiality. If we don’t, we can always add that one as part of the same deal.

UPDATE: Upon further research, it turns out that far more states have sodomy laws on the books than originally thought. The number 7 was pulled from Wikipedia’s “crime against nature” entry, which turned out to be one state short, and in any event only included states that called the crime “crime against nature.” So South Carolina’s substantially identical prohibition of “buggery” was omitted, as would be any other state’s ban on “sodomy.” So the new question is, did anybody who had a sodomy law on the books in 2003 actually go and repeal it since?

Whatever these litigious jerks get from U.S. Airways, I want 8.78 times that amount. Per Wikipedia, their flight left at 3:26 p.m., a mere 41 minutes after its scheduled departure time of 2:45 (flight since renumbered to 1543). True, U.S. Airways did manage to lose their luggage permanently, while their loss of my luggage only seemed permanent at the time, but $5,000 apiece they’re getting already should be more than enough to cover that.

My one-way trip between NC and NY took me 12 1/2 hours, longer than it would have taken to drive instead. How many Flight 1543 passengers can say the same?