damnum absque injuria

April 23, 2015

Bible Quiz

Filed under:   by Xrlq @ 10:48 pm
  1. Who inspired King David to conduct a census that led to the untimely deaths of 70,000 innocent Jews?
  2. A. God

    B. Satan

    C. Adolf Hitler

    D. Kanye West

  3. Why did Jesus’s parents take him from Bethlehem to Nazareth?
  4. A. To escape a crazed Jewish king’s mass-killing of infant babies, which historians forgot to record.

    B. Because they were originally from Nazareth, and were only visiting Bethlehem in the first place to comply with the world’s worst-planned census, which historians forgot to record.

    C. Because they had read some long lost scripture (appearing nowhere in the Old Testament, but referenced in Matthew as though it were) that their new messiah was supposed to be a Nazarene.

    D. Because they thought Kanye West was opening for them.

  5. What did Judas do with his 30 pieces of silver?
  6. A. Gave it back to the priests.

    B. Bought a field.

    C. Invested in no-load mutual funds.

    D. Bought front row seats to see Kanye West.

  7. How did Judas die?
  8. A. By hanging himself.

    B. By falling down in the field he had bought with the bribe money and splitting open.

    C. Of old age.

    D. He didn’t. He was one of the few people in the crowd Jesus was addressing in Matthew 16:28 and Mark 9:1 who would not taste death before he came back. He’s currently living under an assumed name, “Kanye West.”

  9. Whose blood was the potter’s “Field of Blood” named after?
  10. A. Jesus’s.

    B. Judas’s

    C. Herod’s.

    D. Kanye West’s.

  11. In what order did God create the living beings on our planet?
  12. A. Man first, lower animals second, woman last.

    B. Woman first, who gave birth to the first man.

    C. Lower animals first, man and woman last (simultaneously)

    D. On the seventh day, God created Kanye West, and couldn’t have have rested on that day instead?

  13. When is it permissible to divorce your wife and remarry?
  14. A. Never.

    B. Only if she cheats on you.

    C. Only if you suspect she’s a closet lesbian.

    D. Only if she abuses you, either physically or emotionally, such as by making you listen to Kanye West.

  15. Who did Jesus tell it’s more blessed to give than receive?
  16. A. The apostles and the crowd, during his inaugural sermon that was either on the mount (Matthew 5) or on the plain (Luke 6:17 & 20).

    B. Pilate, to make an ironic point about the death penalty.

    C. Paul, who never met Jesus during his lifetime.

    D. Kanye West.

  17. Who was Joseph’s father?
  18. A. Jacob.

    B. Heli.

    C. Moses.

    D. Kanye.

  19. Can all sins be forgiven?
  20. A. Yes.

    B. No.

    C. Maybe.

    D. Kanye.

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