If Matthew Yglesias gets tired of his day job, he can always look for work at the L.A. Times. Of all the silly critiques one could make of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s outstanding speech at the convention yesterday, Yglesias spun a yarn (’Hat tip: Prestopundit) about how Arnold had allegedly exploited the allegedly existent and allegedly popular myth that Austria was a communist country. Yglesias bases this non sequitur on absolutely nothing the following portion of the speech:

When I was a boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria. I saw their tanks in the streets. I saw communism with my own eyes. I remember the fear we had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector. Growing up, we were told, “Don’t look the soldiers in the eye. Look straight ahead.” It was a common belief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him off to the Soviet Union as slave labor.

From that and a few statements about life in socialist Austria after the Russians had left, Yglesias deduces that Arnold had implied he grew up behind the Iron Curtain. O-kay. Yglesias doesn’t actually accuse Arnold of lying, mind you; only of failing to debunk every conceivable myth that any American could conceivably believe, even if no American actually does:

Now Arnold didn’t come out and say he grew up in Communist Eastern Europe — he didn’t, and if he had he might have gotten in some trouble — but applying the usual technique he talked in a way so that if you don’t know anything about Austria other than that it’s in Europe somewhere and that Vienna is well to the east of Paris of Rome, I think that’s the conclusion you would draw. It’s a conclusion that lends its hand to a much better story than the real one.

Yglesias’s “you” is, quite frankly, a strawtard.
Note that Yglesias himself didn’t fall for this nonexistent myth; he’s too smart for that, as are all his liberal buddies. So are you, presumably, if you know anything about all about Austria beyond the fact that it is in Central Europe - or even if you knew nothing at all about the country and therefore had no concept about it whatsoever. But trust me, Arnold’s strawtard is out there, somewhere, Yglesias just knows it. That mythical creature, who knows just enough about Austria to tell it apart from Australia, and just enough European history to know roughly where the Iron Curtain was located, but not quite enough to know which side to put Salburg, Vienna and your favorite ski resorts on. And of course it was the strawtard vote Arnie was gunning for, not yours or mine; that’s why you didn’t think of these absurd things.

That said, if there are any readers out there who actually fell for Arnold’s clever trap which only Matthew Yglesias seems to have caught, then I’d love to hear from them. To those readers, if they exist: I apologize for calling you a strawtard. Obviously, to the extent you exist, you are not a strawtard at all, but a real, live, walking, talking, blog-reading, flesh and blood ‘tard. But I hope you understand; until and unless I am convinced that you do in fact exist, I will continue to dismiss you as a strawtard. It’s nothing personal, honest.

Anyway, I do have a few questions I’d like to ask the strawtards, if they exist. If they don’t, I’d welcome comments from any non-strawtards who feel comfortable speaking on their behalf:

1. When did you learn where Austria is located - a fact that even the U.S. Postal service rarely seems to get right unless you add the word “Europe” on the envelope - and how?
2. How did you get the idea that Austria was a communist country? From Arnold?
3. OK, so Austria was communist, just another Soviet satellite state gobbled up by the evil empire. Given that, why did the Russian troops pull out of the country when Arnold was a boy, rather than go on to occupy the country for decades to come? Why didn’t they do the same in
4. Did you ever wonder how Arnold made it to the U.S.? How come we never heard about him storming the Iron Curtain, defecting during a competition, etc.? Something, anything.
5. Did you think the Russians occupied and communized all of Austria, as they did in Hungary and Czechoslovakia, or only part of it, like in Germany? If you answered “all,” go to question 6. Otherwise, go to 7.
6. What on earth do you think Arnold was talking about when he described the incidents in which he and his family had to go “into the Russian sector?” Regardless of the answer, go to 7.
7. Have you ever heard of “East Austria?” What about Vienna? Was the so-called Berlin Wall actually located Vienna? If so, why didn’t President Kennedy say “Ich bin ein Wiener?” If not, why isn’t Matthew Yglesias saying that now?
8. Do you know which polling place to go to on Wednesday, November 3?

UPDATE: Paul at Wizbang is not impressed by Yglesias’s lame attempt at an expose. James Joyner has more on the history of the postwar occupation of Austria.