For the few dinosaurs out there like me who still watch 24, I haven’t given up on the theory that this is the season where Jack finally dies, or at least Almeida-dies, and Renée Walker takes his place. I mean, c’mon. They’ve already provided the first two black Presidents and the first female one, so aside from providing the first female Jack Bauer, where else is there to go?

That said, however many sharks the show may already have jumped, having anyone but Jack Bauer be the star may be the Great White. So rather than calling the next season “24: Day 8,” maybe they can have a new spin-off series called “What?” which seems to be the favorite expression of every good guy except Renée and the former members of CTU. And since they’ve all but given up on real time, maybe each episode of What? will be prefaced with “The following stuff happens sometime after the stuff we showed last year.”

Lastly, when writing the above statement about shark-jumping, I initially made a typo and referred to it as shark-humping instead. Does the phrase “hump the shark” exist in the porno industry? If it doesn’t, it should, e.g., “Debbie Does Dallas XIII humped the shark when Debbie did Fort Worth.”

My working theory is that this is the season where Jack Bauer finally dies, or at least Almeida-dies for a while, and Renée Walker will take his place. Mrs. X thinks she’s the next Nina Myers. What’s your theory?

Allah joins the global war on Lite-Brites, denouncing innocent marketers as “hoaxsters” and demanding an apology from them for their innocent marketing stunt, rather than from the Governor of Massachusetts, the mayor of Boston and the Boston PD for being dumber than a metric ton of retard concentrate.

Next up: calls for apologies from Joel Surnow, Robert Cochran, Kiefer Sutherland and the Fox network for laying the groundwork for this non-hoax with a TV show that implies all devices with wires (including the one in yours hands if you can read this) are bombs.

UPDATE: Allah has removed the reference to “hoaxers.” Apparently, my failure to update this post accordingly in real time constitutes a greenwald in Allah’s book. Whatever, dude.

UPDATE x2: Et tu, Ace. And unlike Allah, Ace hasn’t even gotten rid of the libelous reference to these two Kucher wannabes as “hoaxers,” despite his own admission that they haven’t hoaxed anyone. Jeebus. Is there some aspect to this story that just isn’t getting covered on the West Coast (where I’m visiting at the moment – more on that later), or did everything but California finally fall into the ocean?

UPDATE x3: Time to update the Lite-Brite jingle. My recommendation: “Lite Brite, a cheap gift from your mom. Outtasite, some dumbshits think it’s a bomb.”

Has anyone caught a brand name on any of the cellular phones they use on 24? I want one of those. They always connect in a fraction of the time it takes me, and they never drop a call unless a building blows up, or worse. Besides, anything regularly featured in a show that makes liberals cry, can’t be all bad.

OK, OK, so maybe it was wrong, but you still heard it here first.

The following is based on idle speculation, so it probably doesn’t technically qualify as a spoiler. Nevertheless, I’m giving you a spoiler warning anyway since it may have the same effect if you read it and conclude I am not full of crap.

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Congratulations, 69.136.135.#, you are the 90,000th visitor to damnum absque injuria, with the Yahoo! search terms “24 spoiler nina.” Unfortunately, what you got was a year old, so it’s probably not what you were looking for. Here’s a clue, though: she’s ba-ack.

Day 3 begins tonight! Don’t miss it.

UPDATE: D’Oh! I did miss it! Unfortunately, my handy-dandy Dish DVR turned out not to be so handy or dandy after all. Last week, when I set up tonight’s event, the show was scheduled for 10:00 p.m. rather than 9:00, so I ended up recording the evening news instead. That’ll teach me to diss TiVo…

You know we’re in trouble when ditzy high school dropouts are charged with combating domestic terrorism.

If you haven’t been following 24, you might want to consider getting one or both seasons on DVD. Season 1 has been out for about a year, and Season 2 is coming out in a couple of weeks. If you choose to buy either or both, be sure to pick up the free preview of Season 2, which contains the first two episodes and a coupon for $5 off each. Should you purchase them through Amazon, I’d be eternally indebted to you for following one of the following links, which won’t affect the price you pay but will get me a commission. Unless, of course, you are an Amazon Associate yourself.

Here are the links, if you’re interested:

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