I recently joined the Old Dominion Blog Alliance, so I guess that finalizes my move from sea to shining sea. Query whether it is proper for me to remain a member of the Bear Flag League. Do these alliances allow dual citizenship? One side of me says “no,” the other says if I can be an active member of three state bars, and Arnold Schwarzenegger can be a governor of a U.S. state without renouncing his Austrian citizenship, then dammit, I should be able to remain a member of two blogging alliances associated with two different states. But I’ll defer to my fellow Dominionites and Bearflaggers on this issue in case either group has a problem with it.

Speaking of moving, if you move, be sure to readjust the compass on your car if it has one. North is still north, and magnetic north is still magnetic north, but the correction factor between them can vary significantly. I didn’t even think about that issue until about a week ago, while looking for my new vehicle (which I bought yesterday – more on that later). It occurred to me that since my Chevy Tahoe was originally purchased in Southern California, its concept of north, south, east and west may be a bit off. Turns out, it was a little off, but not as off as it had been while in California! Southern California is in Zone 4, while eastern Virginia is in Zone 10, but the damned thing was set for Zone 8, i.e., Detroit. The losers at my auto dealership never bothered to calibrate it for CA in the first place! Lazy *%^#ers. Oh well, I got my “new” car, a 2004 Chevy Blazer that looks exactly like my Tahoe only much smaller and has a lot less miles on it,from a local CarMax (Zone 10), which had been transferred from the CarMax in South Carolina (Zone 9) after being owed for 2 years by a company in Pennyslvania (Zone 9 or 10). Guess which zone this compass was calibrated for.

I was torn between a sedan, which likely would have been an Altima, and a pickup, which likely would have been a Chevy Silverado or GiMmiCk Sierra, so now I’m thinking of getting a Baby Tahoe. Isn’t it cute?

Haven’t gotten my birthdaymobile yet, but will do soon since all the specials expire one day before Bubba Xrlq’s birthday. Here are the vehicles I’ve been considering so far:

• Toyota Camry. Uncly-Wuncly thinks Toyota is anti-gun. While I always respect him and usually agree with him, on this occasion I think he’s wetter than anything within 20 miles of the James River. So Toyota hired one lame PR person who picked the wrong high school student to highlight. No big whoop. What is a big whoop is that the Camry is like the hot chick every other guy wants – and she knows it. Ask Ms. Camry for a date on her terms, and she might say yes, if she happens to be in the mood. Ask her for 5 years’ free financing, dealer incentives, etc., and she’ll throw a drink in your face and say “what kind of girl do you think I am?” Three more drinks will follow if you’re dumb enough to point out the obvious fact that we’ve already established what kind of girl she is, and now we’re just haggling over the price. So one side of me says “Kos her, let someone else put up with that attitudinal be-yatch.” But the other side keeps responding “Attitude, schmattitude, that chick is hot!”
• Honda Accord. Everything I said about the Camry. Can’t figure out who is hotter, or more arrogant. One’s a blonde, the other a brunette, but I’m not even sure which is which.
• Nissan Altima. This chick ain’t half bad, either. In fact, she looks a lot like Ms. Camry and Ms. Accord, only without the attitude. She knows what kind of girl she is, and she’s willing to deal. But she keeps acting all needy, asking me “I’m just as good as Camry, right? What does that Altima bitch have that I don’t?” I don’t know if I can deal with that twice a day, every day for the next 10 years or so. Plus, I can’t shake the sense that even if Ms. Altima gets over her complex, sooner or later I’ll end up calling out the name “Camry” or “Accord” during … um … driving. Where did you think I was going with this?
• Chevrolet Impala. This car has a normal outward appearance, an annoyingly retro looking dashboard, and is otherwise a no-nonsense alternative to those three geishas that keep chasing me. It has all the functionality of all three, a slightly lower price, and space rivaling their grossly overpriced big sisters. But however infatuated I may be with my four-wheeled friend, believe it or not there’s actually another woman in my life, Mrs. X. She’s assured me that if I buy an Impala, we (or worse, I) will be officially shunned as white trash. So this one’s a nonstarter.
• Chevy Silverado or GMC Sierra. Forget the chicks; they’re too complicated. Why not go gay on a real man of a vehicle instead? Normally, these things cost an arm and a leg more than a sedan, but after the massive discounts currently being offered by GM, which Nissan makes a half-hearted attempt to match and Toyota and Honda won’t dignify with a comment, they’re really not that much more expensive after all. And besides, it would really cool to have a pickup, in case I ever needed to … do whatever the hell you’re supposed to do with a pickup.
• Ford F-150. Don’t know much about this model, but he sure looks cool.
• Ford Five Hundred. OK, maybe I should get a sedan after all. This one was recommended by a co-worker who swears by Volvos, and says this one is essentially a Volvo in disguise. And as Dudley Moore’s character nicely put it in Crazy People, Volvos are boxy, but they’re good. Be safe, not sexy, yadda yadda yadda.

What say you?

And to my fellow Virginians – WTF is up with all these dealerships that are closed on Sunday? Is there a friggin’ blue law prohibiting anyone from buying a car on Sunday? Seriously. And if there is such a law, what about North Carolina? Driving down there tomorrow would be a pain in the [insert symbol for Democratic Party here], but taking time off from work is worse.

Not quite 40 yet, but close enough for a midlife crisis. So far, my presents consist of a new car and a Pattericolanche. I’m much happier about the latter than the former.