Following last week’s trip to Hawaii, the answer to a question is once again 42. This time, the question is “how many states has Xrlq visited?” [On the off chance that anyone cares, the eight states I've not been to yet are Alabama, Alaska, Florida, North Carolina, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont and West Virginia.]

Hawaii was everything I expected, and more. “Expected” means a lovely tropical climate, beautiful beaches, etc. “More” includes (1) 6 1/2 days of sunshine on Kauai, the rainiest island in the state, (2) a plethora of street and city names that lend themselves to bad puns (e.g., we stayed in a condo on Pee Road in Poopoo Beach, and spent half a day in Whyme Canyon) and (3) a rare, semi-protected species of bantam chickens that has free reign of the island. From what I gather, their legal protection is limited to public land, so when they wander onto private property, the real protection is the fact that they taste like crap.

I am curious about the free range chickens part. Is this phenomenon limited to Kauai, or do they run around freely on other islands as well? I can’t picture these critters running around on the beaches of Maui or Waikiki, but then again, I didn’t expect to see them in Kauai, either.

I’ve learned there are only two words of Hawaiian you need to get by here: aloha and mahalo. I’m told aloha means “hello,” but have it on good authority that it also means “goodbye,” “screw you,” “I’m an ethnic cliché,” and even “I’m the airline that didn’t lose your luggage somewhere between Los Angeles and Lihue.”

I haven’t yet gotten around to looking up the other word, mahalo, in the dictionary. I’m pretty sure, though, that the word means “asshole.” Here are a few examples I’ve seen on signs:

• Please remove your shoes before entering, mahalo.
• Smoking is not permitted in this restaurant, mahalo.
• Wash hands after visiting the toilet, mahalo.

Yesterday, a waiter called me a mahalo after taking my order. Was it something I said?

Merry Christmas to all! My Christmas present to myself was a free three-month subscription to AOL, so I finally have an opportunity to post. Don’t bother emailing me at xrlq@aol.com, however. Believe it or not, someone else has that address. Will post more later (maybe). Thanks to Joel and The Other Xrlq for holding down the fort.