Was Canada ever really necessary? I don’t mean the Frog part, of course they have to be in a country of their own, even if I’m not quite sure why that country has to be on this continent. No, I mean English Canada, a.k.a. Not-Quebec. It’s not as though Great Britain had some big plan to form two English speaking countries or anything. It was all supposed to be one great big British Empire, remember? The only reason we have two countries now is because when things with south, some colonists said “don’t tread on me” while others said “thank me harder.”

But enough on Canada, at least for the moment. Recently a piece by Paul Helmke, a former Hoosier, a former Republican, a former mayor and the current head of the U.S.’s main gun-control lobby, has been getting fawning reviews from self-styled moderates who are either ignorant, or willfully ignorant, of the not-so-moderate positions Helmke’s organization also supports. As I’ve noted in other fora, it is disingenuous to talk of how reasonable one particular article is while ignoring the fact that Helmke has not repudiated any of his organization’s other positions, and lame to effectively give him credit for doing so solely because he managed to write one whole article without bringing them up.

This piece is not about that, though. Even if Helmke’s article were viewed in a vacuum, and we were to pretend that the National Council to Control Handguns / Handgun Control, Inc. / Brady Center to Prevent Gun Ownership / Whatever The Hell They’re Calling Themselves This Week had abandoned its support of every gun law not mentioned in that article, some would argue that even those controls would not be reasonable, as they unnecessarily burden the right to bear arms. I don’t necessarily disagree with these criticisms, but I’m going to argue a different tack:

Paul Helmke should withdraw from politics and disband his organization immediately. His own support for firearm regulation, and that of his entire organization, is absurd. It’s completely contrary to American traditions. It has no basis in fact, and for someone who represents a major American association to be pushing this agenda is particularly alarming, especially a man.”

If you’re an American, male or female, pro-gun, anti-gun, moderate or indifferent, then chances are that you find that argument downright retarded. But if you’re Canadian,^* I’m sure it makes perfect sense. ‘Hat tip: Eugene Volokh.

^*I realize I’m painting with a broad brush here, so my apologies to Sharon Gregson, Mark Steyn, Wendy McElroy, Rachel Marsden, Terrence, Phillip, Ike, the entire membership of the National Firearms Association (yes, both of you), the ghost of Gordon Sinclair, Rush, Triumph, any Canucks who happen to be reading this blog, and countless others I didn’t even know were Canucks ‘cuz y’all didn’t run around making a big deal of the fact. As with us lawyers, it’s too bad that 99% of y’all give all y’all a bad name.

I know I said I was going to quit, but Festivus hasn’t arrived yet so I’m going to indulge myself once more. Whose brilliant idea was it to build one Interstate from Miami to Philadelphia, and another from some nowhere town 45 miles northeast of there to Maine, and assign the same highway number to both? Whoever did that is Sofa King. We Todd did.

God, I hate idiots who build two parking lots next to each other, complete with a gazillion barriers to keep you from driving from one to the other.

And with that, I hereby cease airing grievances. Well, not really, half the stuff I blog about involves airing one grievance or another. I do, however, cease putting the phrase “Airing of Grievances” into the headings for the time being. Close enough?

If her shameful yet shameless handling of the Jill Carroll kidnapping were not bad enough, Schlussel reminds us once again why the world would be a better place of she would STFU already. Conservatives already have a great reason to vote against Bar(r)a(c)k Hussein Obama: he’s a freedom hating, race-card-playing socialist. Conservatives, liberals and moderates alike have another pretty good reason to oppose him in 2008: he’s a political neophyte who has no business even thinking about running for President until 2016 at the earliest - and then only if he accomplishes something significant in the meantime. But just because we all have at least good reasons to oppose the guy, why should that stop the cupid stunt from offering a totally crappy reason on top of that.

Hot tip: ‘Hat Air, or something like that. Baldilocks and Captain Ed have more.

UPDATE: Beth isn’t impressed, either. Is anyone? Other than Schlussel herself, that is.

UPDATE x2: Neither are Little Miss Attila and the Political Pitbull. Time for Carnival of Debbie Schlussel is a Cupid Stunt, Part Duh.

C’mon, DMV, admit it: this was funny. Just because you all were the ones getting punk’d don’t mean it’s not funny. It is funny, dammit.

UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has more, and argues that this silly joke may have done us all a serious favor .

What is it with translation services? Can just anybody get a job as a translator? On a recent trip to San Antonio, I saw T-shirts for sale in a mall that say:

Tú eres un pendejo.

(You are my friend.)

I’ll be the first to admit (as it wouldn’t be much of an admission, coming from anyone else) that my Spanish is a bit rusty these days, but I’m pretty sure that translation is off just a tad. Did the same happen to the subtitles for this TV interview? You be the judge.

UPDATE: If you haven’t watched the above-linked video, you should. It’s NSFW, but who the hell works on Festivus?

Which of the following repressive countries pursues its subjects around the world to drain them of their hard-earned income to pay for services they neither want, need nor even have access to?

1. Iran
2. Saudi Arabia
3. Afghanistan (current)
4. Afghanistan (1996-2001)
5. North Korea
6. Iraq (current)
7. Iraq (1968-2002)
8. Cuba
9. United States of America
10. Zimbabwe
11. France
12. Germany (current)
13. Germany, East (1949-90)
14. Germany (1933-45)

Answer here. H/t: Smash.

Not a grievance in itself, but if you’re interested in hearing others B&M while I’m otherwise occupied, be sure to visit Tom and Fodder. Note to Fodder and others similarly aggrieved: there is a solution to California’s retarded gun laws.

Remember, I’m like Uncle: I do this to entertain Uncle, not to entertain myself and/or you. No, wait…

Look, guys, I know you have to be Really Smart Individuals to get a job writing code for any application I’m likely to use on a regular basis, but guess what? You’re not as smart as you think you are. More specifically, you’re not smart enough to know better than I do what settings I want, or whether I really meant to type half of my password in the password field and the other half in whatever other field you just hijacked the cursor into. And you sure as hell aren’t smart enough to make a software-based on-off switch that sometimes turns the computer on, sometimes turns it off, sometimes reboots it without turning off, sometimes hangs altogether, and never does what the good, old-fashioned on-off switches did.

And you know what else you’re not? As important as you think you are. And neither is your application. So please, stop writing applications that yank themselves into the foreground while I’m trying to work on something else. If I wanted someone to distract me and say “hey, look at me!” all the time, I’d have a 2-year old kid. Oh wait, I do have a 2-year old kid, but that’s beside the point. That’s not what I bought a computer for.

Last and least, whoever told you that you’re so much better than the rest of us you can make us “agree” to insane terms as a condition of using software we’ve already paid for? And spare me that “you didn’t buy the software, we just licensed its use” malarkey. That sort of Indian-selling is precisely the crap the first sale doctrine was intended to stop. Want the benefit of copyright law? Then can this phony click-through “contract” crapola. Want a ridiculously one-sided “contract” no other industry has the chutzpah to ask for, and which provides you with more protection than the Mickey Mouse Protection Act? O-kay - but in that case you won’t be needing the benefit of copyright law, will you? Assholes.