I’ve not been tagged but none of the participants are tagging anyone this time around, so I guess I’ll tag myself. Not that tagging oneself is all that unusual, they say 95% of male bloggers have done it before and the other 5% are liars, so I figure it’s my turn anyway. So here’s what I’d do if I were temporary dictator:

1. Enact a “no, you dummies” amendment to the First Amendment so as to clarify that “speech” includes “money contributed for purposes of promoting political speech.”
2. Since we’re busy tinkering with the First Amendment anyway, add another provision allowing … nay, requiring … all consumer protection laws, especially truth in advertising laws, to apply to political and commercial speech alike. Wanna legalize fraud? OK, you’re the legislature, you can do that. But if you want to make it a crime to lie about the widgets you’re trying to sell to the most gullible elements of society, then you’d better also make it a crime to lie about the much more nefarious political widgets you’d force down all of our throats if elected.
3. Prohibit Congress from even considering replacing the income tax with a national sales tax until all advocates of the latter are in full compliance with #2, i.e., don’t use the phrase “fair tax” to describe a tax that may or may not be a good idea, but which in any event has squat to do with fairness.
4. Aw hell, between the “fair” tax, HughesNet’s “fair” access policy, every teachers union’s “fair share” agreement and worst of all, “FAIR,” let’s outlaw the word “fair” altogether.
5. Delete the militia clause from the Second Amendment. Maybe the Supreme Court will find some deep, useful meaning in there, but I’m not holding my breath. Mostly that throwaway clause has accomplished nothing except to (1) give the gun-banners cover for arguing that the Second Amendment doesn’t really mean what it says, and (2) confuse the hell out of the rest of us.
6. National CCW.
7. Some would-be Nifongs of the Constitution are advocating making it a crime to pass an unconstitutional law. Bugger that. It’s bad enough having courts strike down laws they don’t like on the specious view that they are “unconstitutional,” do we really want to add criminal penalties into the mix? Besides, as those who study the Constitution rather than worship it are generally aware, most of that document is pretty damned technical. It’s not a holy writ that prohibits all Very Bad Things, nor does it necessarily allow all Good Things. That said, every civil officer does take an oath to defend it, so what say we meet the CONstitutionalists halfway with a measure that makes it a crime to knowingly enact an unconstitutional law, and also make it a crime, carrying the same penalty, to knowingly (or shoulda-known-ingly) attack the constitutionality of a constitutional statute in court. This important principle was established in the 1921 case of Goose v. Gander, but has yet to be implemented across the country. It’s about time.
8. Depending on my mood, either repeal Section 1983 outright, or replace it with a loser-pay rule. If the ACLUs and the Yagmans of the world want to make a career out of suing the government taxpayers for supposed civil rights violations, fine, but they’d better pick their targets carefully.
9. Criminal jury acquittals would be appealable.
10. Jurors inclined to refuse to apply the law, as instructed by the court, would be allowed a 45 minute recess to obtain their toothbrushes, which they would definitely need if they do it. Exception: if either party to a civil or criminal suit is a known “fully informed” jury activist/nullificationist, the opposing party will have the option of waiving the rule of law and instructing the jury to give the bugger a taste of his own medicine.

UPDATE: Ride Fast describes my dictatorship as “scary.” Well, duh. Aren’t they all? Given that he also calls for national CCW, I’ll assume that’s not what he finds scary about mine in particular. Maybe the part about jury nullification coming home to roost? I can just here the counter-argument now: “No, dammit, nullification is only there so juries can nullify the laws I don’t like, not the ones that protect me!”

Anwyn tagged me, so here goes. The rules are simple: list eight habits or facts about yourself, then tag eight more people. Here are my useless facts:

1. I have been to every state in the USA except Ala*a.
2. I’m one of the few living individuals who knows what it is like to drown.
3. I’m probably the only person in the world who voted for one state’s marriage amendment while voting against, another’s, without changing my views on the subject.
4. The first two numbers in the number on my driver license, and the last two in Social Security Number, my cell phone number, a past cell phone number and my bank login ID are all 69.
5. I have never owned an Ipod.
6. I speak three foreign languages, one badly.
7. We are a family of four, born in four different states, married in a fifth, and likely to soon take up residence in a sixth.
8. I have a pit bull, a Rottweiler, two SUVs and at least one “assault” weapon. Any questions?
9. I have a nasty habit of repeating myself.
10. I know for a fact that there really is a Hershey Highway. I’ve not ridden it myself, but others have.

Hereby tagged are:

1. Kat
2. Kate
3. Leslie
4. Carl
5. Doc
6. Patticakes
7. Uncly-Wuncly
8. Girschy-Wirschy

UPDATE: Uggh, I forgot all about January’s near-identical meme. Updated to remove duplicate factoids.

Apparently, I am, but YMMV.

You Are a Not-Retarded American

You know the bare minimum about US history, and unlike the author of this quiz, you probably even know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Congratulations on bucking stereotypes. Now go out and show some foreigners that not all Yankees (and to those south of the Mason-Dixon line, that includes all y’all, too) are complete retards.

Hat tip: some law professor who also isn’t retarded. UPDATE: The same, alas, cannot be said of a commenter.

UPDATE: Into the great sarchasm they go…

UPDATE x2: This test is better.

I’ve been tagged, so here goes. As the venomous author noted in her original post, this one is easy because it’s all about you, and all you need to do is copy and paste the three questions into your blog (or into this here comment section if you don’t) and type the first responsive answer that comes to mind, and tag three more people.

1. My: You’ve heard the saying “I’d give my right arm for…”. So, what would you give your right arm for?
2. Me: What’s one word that describes how you want people to see you?
3. Meme: If you could be any blogger, which blogger would you be… and why?

My answers:

1. Stable capitalist democracies (in that order of preference) worldwide.
2. Snarky.
3. Anyone who manages to earn a living that way. If I have to pick a single individual, I’d say Andrew Sullivan. That way, I could run a big pledge drive, collect thousands of pure profit, go on a long vacation, and finally do the blogosphere one last favor with a final entry reading “Sorry I’ve devolved into such a whiny, obnoxious putz, I promise never to blog again.”

My tags:

As the purpose of this meme is to make everything about you, I’m tempted to take the path of least resistance, tagging three public figures who already think the world revolves around them (e.g., Mike Nifong, Jimmy Carter and James Dobson) and then linking to the next public statements they make. Somehow, though, that feels like cheating. Instead, I’ll tag three individuals who don’t think the world revolves around them, and ask them to play along as though it did. Tagged herewith as acting egoists are Uncly-Wuncly, Girschy-Wirschy and Pattycakes.

I guess I could blame part of the delay on the Federalist Disingenuous Society Convention, but mostly I’ve just been lazy. Anyway, here are the answers to the recent quiz. As several commenters more-or-less correctly guessed, the theme of the list was songs where the cover version was at least as big of a hit as the original, if not more so. For uniformity, I used the cover version of the lyrics in each case where the two did not match.

1. “Poor Poor Pitiful Me,” originally by Warren Zevon, covered by Linda Ronstadt. These lyrics were specific to the cover version, gender-bent to account for the fact that Warren was a man and Linda was (is) not.
2. “Take it Easy,” originally by Jackson Brown, “covered” by the Eagles, then repackaged by Browne himself.
3. “Blinded by the Light,” originally by Bruce Springsteen, covered by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band.
4. “Der Kommisar,” originally by Falco in German (thick Viennese dialect), covered in English by After the Fire (aka ATF). This song is why I opted for the cover lyrics over originals.
5. “The Green Manalishi (With the Two-Pronged Crown),” originally by Fleetwood back, covered by Judas Priest.
6. “I’ve Done Everything for You,” originally by Sammy Hagar, covered by Rick Springfield.
7. “You Really Got Me,” originally by the Kinks, covered by Van Halen. These lyrics were specific to the cover version.
8. “Hey Joe,” of unknown origin, claimed as an original by Deep Purple but with evidence the song is older than that. Covered by many, but probably best known as a Hendrix tune.
9. “Keep Me Hanging On,” originally the Supremes, covered by Kim Wilde (and Rod Stewart, and others).
10. “Cum On Feel the Noize,” originally by Slade, covered by Quiet Riot.

Below are the answers to Saturday’s quote quiz. Theme at end.

1. “Lessons,” by Rush, from 2112.
2. “The Marshall Plan,” by Blue Oyster Cult, from Cultosaurus Erectus.
3. “Portrait (He Knew),” by Kansas, from Point of Know Return.
4. “Baba O’Reilly,” by The Who, from Who’s Next. Credit also given for “Baba O’Riley,” which is apparently a misspelling of the intended title, which was named after one of Pete Townshend’s cousins. A competing theory is that the original spelling was correct, and that the reference was to Terry Riley. I don’t pretend to know which theory is correct, if either, so I’ll give full credit to both spellings.
5. “Paranoid,” by Black Sabbath, from Paranoid. Full credit for anyone who identified the album by the name “War Pigs,” the title of the first track and the intended title of the album (which, you may notice, also fits much better with the cover).
6. “Epic,” by Faith No More, from The Real Thing.
7. “The Spirit of Radio,” by Rush, from Permanent Waves.
8. “The Trooper,” by Iron Maiden, from Piece of Mind.
9. “Dogs,” by Pink Floyd,” from Animals.
10. “…And Justice for All,” by Metallica, from …And Justice for All.

THEME: Songs with counter-intuitive titles that appear nowhere in the lyrics. As a result, these songs are frequently referred to by incorrect titles, e.g., “Portrait (He Knew)” is frequently cited simply as “He Knew,” Baba O’Reilly/O’Riley as “Teenage Wasteland,” etc. The former is a sore spot for me, having fallen into that trap myself not once, but twice, while taking Patterico’s quizzes.

Rules are the same as always, with extra brownie points for whoever can guess the theme.

1. Sweet memories, I never thought it would be like this
   Reminding me just how close I came to missing.
2. Well it’s showtime and he’s caught up in the crowd
   He hates the crush but he loves the music loud.
3. He had a different idea, a glimpse of the master plan
   He could see into the future, a true visionary man
4. The exodus is here, the happy ones are near
   Let’s get together before we get much older.
5. Finished with my woman ‘cuz she couldn’t help me with my mind.
   People think I’m insane because I am frowning all the time.
6. You will never understand it ‘cuz it happens too fast
   And it feels so good, it’s like walking on glass.
7. Emotional feedback on timeless wavelength
   Bearing a gift beyond price, almost free.
8. You’ll take my life but I’ll take yours too.
   You’ll fire your musket but I’ll run you through.
9. And it’s too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around
   So have a good drown, as you go down all alone
   Dragged down by the stone.
10. Seeking no truth, winning is all.
    Find it so grim, so true, so real

UPDATE: So far, commenters are doing better than usual at guessing the songs, but everyone’s struggling with the theme. Time for a hint: it’s not the topic of the songs. You’ll search in vain for a common thread between the guy who has a glimpse of the master plan and the guy who’se widely perceived as insane on account of his perpetual frown. However, if you recognized both of those songs and were able to name them correctly, you may notice that they do have something in common, with each other and the remaining eight, but which sets them apart from most other popular (or unpopular) music. I’ll give you a more specific hint on Tuesday if no one has nailed it by then.

Read it and weep, or just read it and scratch your head wondering why I had nothing better to do. Your call.

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Via Caltechgirl.

It’s been almost a week since Uncle tagged me, but I’ve finally gotten around to answering the meme.

Four jobs you’ve had in your life: Translator, teacher, drug dealer, lawyer.

Four movies you could watch over and over: Raising Arizona, South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut, Memento, and any good porno film.

Four places you’ve lived: USA, Mexico, Germany and Austria.

Four TV shows you love to watch: Distraction, Street Smarts, South Park, My Name is Earl.

Four places you’ve been on vacation: Mexico, Portugal, Hawaii, Bahamas.

Four websites you visit daily: Patterico’s Pontifications, Say(s) Uncle, Dean’s World, Captain’s Quarters.

Four of your favorite foods: Filet mignon, bacon cheeseburger, Mexican pizza and lobster.

Four places you’d rather be: Hawaii, Europe, Cabo San Lucas, or any of the seven states I’ve never really been to (Alabama, Alaska, Florida, Rhode Island, West Virginia and the Carolinas, not counting airports in FL and NC).

Four albums you can’t live without: …And Justice for All, by Metallica, Permanent Waves, by Rush, Mit Pfefferminz bin ich dein Prinz, by Marius Müller-Westernhagen and Dark Side of the Moon, by [if you have to ask, I won't tell you].

New tagees: The Other Xrlq, Cardinal Martini, Aphrael, Tom, and anyone else who’d care to participate.

God, I hope not. But Randy did make me…. answer a silly meme, so here goes:

1. I have lived in Orange County, California, for approximately 3 1/2 years. Prior to that, I have not lived in any one county for more than 3 consecutive years since 1981.
2. I was a socialist from my junior high years through most of college.
3. I suck at golf.
4. I was a Libertarian candidate for State Assembly in 1992.
5. I am not a sock puppet of Tim Lambert, nor vice-versa.