Dear Brixx:

Today I read that you fired a waitress for griping about a cheap couple who took up three hours of her time and left a whopping $5.00 tip. I was briefly relieved to learn that there had been an apology, less so after I learned it was from her to you rather than vice-versa. Rest assured that your heavy-handed response to what should have been a non-incident has generated far more negative publicity for your shitty little restaurant than your former employee’s gripe ever could have done. If anyone should have lost his/her job over this, it was the manager who made the idiotic decision to fire her rather than politely warn her not to do it again. Him, and maybe Marky Mark Zuckerberg, for screwing with everyone’s Facebook settings and sending everyone’s comments much farther and wider than the user intended them to go.

Given your policy of canning every employee who says a negative thing about any customer of your restaurant, kindly inform your staff that they are free to disparage me to their hearts’ content, as I am not now, nor will I ever be, your customer.

Love and Kisses,
Xrlq

Howard Bashman reports that the Obama Administration has unofficially promised to appoint Elena Kagan to replace John Paul Stevens and become the third woman to serve as a Supreme Court Justice. I hereby offer a free gram of cocaine^* to the first person who can persuade me as to how Ms. Kagan, if confirmed, would be the third woman on the Supreme Court. Possible theories:

1. Sandra Day O’Connor wasn’t really a Supreme Court Justice.
2. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn’t really a woman.
3. Sonia Sotomayor … um … you tell me.

^*Offer void where prohibited by law.

John and Joana Tsinonis have developed software that will prevent a not-too-smartphone from allowing calls or text messages from anyone who is either operating a motor vehicle or killing time while someone else does. Why on earth would anyone NOT want to install this on their phone?

Running as America’s Toughest Sheriff Felon works well in Springfield, USA. In Davidson County, NC, not so much.

UPDATE: Mr. Bob’s campaign signs aren’t completely useless, though:

This headline on an article for cell phone bans says it all:

Don’t Let Research Distract From Safe Driving Efforts

Because everyone knows real-world, empirical evidence is, like, a distraction or something.

Bill O’Reilly thinks it’s a “pretty extreme position” that the Bill of Rights remains in force when it snows in wintertime:

The next night he non-explained his position by noting that President Lincoln (and many others, but who’s counting) suspended habeas corpus. Never mind that habeas has nothing to do with the Bill of Rights, or that the part of the Constitution that does protect habeas, which is Article I, Section 9, clause 2 of the original Constitution, expressly provides that habeas may be suspended “when in Cases of Rebellion or Invasion the public Safety may require it” while no comparable limiting language appears anywhere in the Bill of Rights. The mainstream view of the Constitution is whatever Bill O’Reilly tells you it is. Actually reading the damned thing is an extremist position.

Time to play “spot the disconnect.” Sam Isaac Edwards (‘hat tip: Uncle) argues that since he himself is a dumbass who got liquored up and shot his fridge, no stone cold sober individual should ever be allowed to carry a weapon in any location where others might consume alcohol.

Coming next: a ban on driving cars while others on the road may be intoxicated.

Via Anwyn, a new study shows that laws prohibiting drivers from talking on hand-held cell phones, but not hands-free devices, have not reduced auto accidents in the four jurisdictions studied. On a wholly unrelated note, another study concluded that laws forbidding drivers to drive under the influence of scotch, but not bourbon, have failed to reduce the number of drunk driving accidents appreciably.

So sayeth the Los Angeles Times. Dumbasses … er … I mean, “bless their hearts.”

Never mind guilt vs. shame; if you watch Avatar, you will die.